Friday, November 16, 2007

Dear Red States

Dear Red States

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we have all the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.



And we get 89% of the Jews who vote for Israel. You get to send your kids to Iraq while our kids go to MIT.

14 comments:

Anok said...

HAHAHAHAHA

Great post Servant. Harsh, but funny.

Renegade Eye said...

Red and blue states, is so 2004. I think those days are over.

Servant said...

@anok - Weren't 'posed to be funny. It was just a set up for the punch line!

@Ren - Ur right, Ren. Trotsky is so trendy in El Norte now. I need to get with it. :P

U r right too. This country isn't suffering Red Blue Disease any more. Now the US is suffering from the great moral divide. Some people got em and some people don't. Unfortunately most of the have nots live in the Blue states - er formerly-known-as Blue states.

And most of the people who don't got any morals are the same ones who really know how to benefit from a good military industrial complex. They are completely secular and they don't believe in Jeebus or Muhammad or Shiva or Bob, or any moral systems of any kind. They believe in the almighty dollar.

They don't believe any of that crap they teach in Sunday school. They just know how to manipulate the people who do.

They don't really _know_ how to manipulate people in the philosophical sense. They hire people who know how to manipulate other people. Very large numbers of other people.

But they only manipulate the people in the Red states - er formerly-known-as Red states. The people in the formerly-known-as Blue states are too smart to be manipulated.

That's because they make their kids wear shoes to school. It's a well known fact that wearing shoes at school makes children smarter.

Naj said...

I'm a believer of historical periodicity. Has there been such a division of morals in America's history before? And what did it lead to?

Servant said...

I don't know Naj. I keep trying the old models. None of them seems to explain anything in a satisfying way.

What I do know is that I get tired of people blaming religion for everything. It's all kinds of fundamentalism that is giving us grief. Fundamentalism is just a reaction to the neoliberalism that has taken over the world. That includes Southern Baptists.

Hell I grew up on a farm smack dab in the middle of the United States. I got dragged to church every Sunday and I still managed to read a good chunk of the Western canon, and I still can't hit he spittoon nine times out of ten.

I get in trouble with my family because I define fascism as the exclusive province of the right. But they can't tell me why socialists are the only people who can pick out fascism from out a line up.

Everyone likes to give the Shia grief for their affinity with theocracy. But it's the secular Sunni who have been doing most of the cooperating with the West.

I say have your theocracy if that's what you want. If it meant I could impeach Bush, hell I'd vote for a theocracy myself. Don't make me no difference. None of them know which way is up anyway, whether they blame God for their confusion or not.

Naj said...

Servant, I think religion itself is an outcome of this galvanization of "value" systems!

I never consider religion to be the cause of anything, it's the wrapper, or the outcome.

Servant said...

This is why it is so weird for me to blog here. I don't know who the audience is nor the political context for the people who read here.

My choices for political expression in the U.S. are limited to either business party, and there is not a hair's difference between their foreign policy.

So that leaves economics or religion as the possible big wedge issues. Many on the left have fallen into the _War on Christmas_ motif which the Politburo has assigned to the left. We constantly hammer the religious because we weren't paying attention in civics class. Everyone in the U.S. who is religious is not a snake handling anti-evolution bible thumping idiot. But to hear the young liberals talk in the political forums, you would think that Jesus would be a Republican, and in order to beat the Republicans you have to make fun of anyone who believes in Jesus.

Which is exactly the formula you want to use when you are trying to win the majority of votes in a predominantly Christian country.

It's just dumb politics is all.

Now - if I try to transmogrify that to Iran I get all confused all over again. I hear tell that there are people in Iran who do not want to live under a theocracy and they are generally comfortable with separatation of church and state. But some of our _Young Turks_ (pardon the hack) here in the U.S. think that the religious folks there are just as backwards as the (they think) the religious folks are here.

Maybe it's true. But why would you try to pick a fight with someone's religion (as many atheist socialists want to do) when you are trying to get someone to vote for your party?

This is where we are as Democrats. We're so busy broadcasting to the religious people that we're going to take away their guns and let their daughters get abortions on demand and we're going to turn their sons into gays - we've lost sight of the actual goal.

The various factions of the Democratic party have always been women's liberation, gay rights, anti-gun lobby, etc. etc.

I'm not saying those things aren't important. I just think Democrats should define themselves in some other terms than the _big brother_ who is always in favor of granting drivers licenses to illegal immigrants "because it's the right thing to do."

Look at what is going to happen. Hillary Clinton is going to be elected because she's a woman and for no other reason. Most of the women who will vote for Hillary have no idea what AIPAC is anything about foreign policy. They just think it's time we had a woman president. And that's all they think about. And what is Hillary promising to do? She's promising to continue hawking Iran just like the neocons want her to.

Great. We'll have a woman president. Free TV dinners for every family. Two chickens in every pot. Hillary promises to make the world safe for the military industrial complex. Hillary works for the same people that Dubya works for, and its not the f'n voters.

RickB said...

There might be some (im)moral legacy, reminded me of this:
Slave states/Bush States
Mostly though, yeah the moral division and also the awareness of empire, as in how many citizen's get they spend more than the world combined on war, 700+bases in 130 countries.

Servant said...

Thanks for that link Rick. I saw that strange slave state overlay a lot after the 2004 elections. 2004 was the Southern answer to the civil rights movement. You might be able to make us integrate the schools, but you can't make us believe in evolution! We'll show you!

And don't forget all the permutations of Robert J. Vanderbei's Purple America. I've been staring at those lines of blue along the Michigan and Ohio border longer than Woodie Hayes. What the heck happened there? That Red goes an awful long way up to Michigan.

Naj said...

That is one heck of a map Rick!
And I think it is addressing the question I asked earlier: historical periodicity!

I think there will be a fight breaking out "within" America. The preconditions of fascism are all in place. And America has enough citizens that hold up the value of freedom to stand up and fight for it (in their own territoty, as opposed to in Iraq and Afghanistan!)

Anok said...

Sorry Servant, didn't mean to spoil 'yer punchline, I'm just quirky like that.

As for what you an Naj are discussing with regard to religion being blamed for all the world's ailments - I agree partially with both of you.

Religion, in and of itself is nothing more than a defined series of faith based concepts. It is neither good nor bad, it simply is.

How religion is interpreted is what causes all the problems. That is to say, subscribing to a particular religion, then attaching all of your baggage to it, and using it as an excuse to lash out at others is an inherently human flaw.

With regards to Naj's statement about religion being a product, I agree with that too. Religion is often used to heal after hardships, or to prevent hardships. In area's where poverty reigns, violence rules, and there seems to be no way out - religion provides a purposeful escape and a drop of hope in an otherwise dreary reality.

I saw, better one finds religion rather than drugs to fulfill this need.

Just as a note, I have no qualms as to what people believe, and why they believe it. I say if it works, then it works and so long as you are better of from it, then believe on.

cheyanne said...

Hey anok....

Got your comment post from a friend of a blogger friend Enigma at Cosmic Mesenger. Loved your comment there, had to check you out. I adore the way you think. Complete with a Mason Dixon Line approach. I see a pattern here and apparently you do also. Can we ever whistle past Dixie like giant horn whistleblowers?

Anyhow I'm adding you to my blog list. Like-minds think alike. The Cosmic Messenger seems to be a conduit connecting us all together.

Feel honored. I just don't add any old body.

Anok said...

Thanks Cheyanne, I do feel honored. (I'm blushing too LOL).

Are you over on Cosmic Messenger? I'll check it out tonight (I read over there occasionally) when I have more time to be online.

landsker said...

Dividing America is just the ticket.
Maybe a "spoof" post for now, but in a few years from now, it wouldn`t suprise anyone at all if indeed the U.S. does get broken up.